Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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