Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My life is pants optional.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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