I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
