Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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