not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
