Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
