Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
