I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
