I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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