Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
