why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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