hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
