Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
