Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
