and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Randomize
