So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
last night I used snow as a chaser
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
