you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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