How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
