Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
