do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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