i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
