Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
