I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
