An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
