I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
