So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
These tits shall not be calmed
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
