and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
