Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
