got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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