he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
