is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Randomize
