the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
