So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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