We named our party play list daddy issues
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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