tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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