I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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