John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
try to milk me bitch
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