Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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