at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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