I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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