This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
