This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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