Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
