man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
