the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
