now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
