Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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