You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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