I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have tasted many bathrooms
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
