I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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